MY FRIEND DEPRESSION …

MIEWAM LĘKI, KTÓRE POJAWIAJĄ SIĘ NAGLE I NIESPODZIEWANIE. JEST TO STRACH, JAKIEGO DO TEJ PORY NIE POZNAŁAM. GDY MNIE OGARNIA TO OD RAZU JEDNOCZEŚNIE OBEZWŁADNIA. BOJĘ SIĘ DO TEGO STOPNIA, ŻE NIE MOGĘ WYJŚĆ Z DOMU. TAK BYŁO WCZORAJ. MIAŁAM IŚĆ NA IMPREZĘ DO NOWYCH ZNAJOMYCH. NIE MOGŁAM SIĘ JEJ DOCZEKAĆ, BO PRZEZ ROK NIGDZIE NIE BYŁAM. NAGLE, TUŻ PRZED WYJŚCIEM Z DOMU DOPADŁ MNIE LĘK. NIE POSZŁAM, NIE DAŁAM RADY. CZEGO SIĘ BOJĘ??? NIE MAM POJĘCIA. CIĘŻKO TO OPISAĆ. JESZCZE CIĘŻEJ TO PRZEŁAMAĆ. A JUŻ NAJTRUDNIEJ Z TYM SKOŃCZYĆ. BO TO SIEDZI WE MNIE- W MOJEJ GŁOWIE. SAMA RODZĘ SOBIE LĘK PRZED NIE WIADOMO CZYM. TO STRASZNE….

I have fears which come out suddenly and

unexpectedly.

It is kind of anxiety that haven’t known so far when it

appears, it paralyses me so deeply that I cannot leave

home. It was like that yesterday. I was going to the party

organized by my new friends. I was looking forward to it

because I hadn’t been anywhere for a year. Suddenly,

just when I was about to leave, the fear caught me. I

didn’t go anywhere,

I just wasn’t able to.

What am I afraid of? No idea. It is difficult to describe

it and overcome. And how to get rid of it? Impossible..

It is in my head and in my body.

I create the fear of something.

It is horrible...!

I have been crying a lot recently, I have thought about…

They are very sad. I’m not going to write about it precisely.

I don’t want to get you down, but it is a horror.

Sometimes the sadness comes out of the blue. It was like

that last Christmas. The worst Christmas ever.

As soon as my mum left for work (children stay at home

for 2 weeks, while adults go to work) I started crying and

panicking that my mum wasn’t with me.

I didn’t feel safe and was so anxions that even when my

mum was next to me again. I still felt the same way.

I know, I have to cope with it. My mum knows I have

depression. She took me to the psychologist once and…

that’s all.

Maybe I should go there again…

To avoid depression one should take up sport (jogging

mainly), eat healtly food etc.

Yes, I know but all this bullshit doesn’t work in reality.

All those sorrows appear in the evening, at about 9 – so?

What I going to do at that time? To go for joga classes at

night? Sure, my mum would let me go.

Healtly eating?

I know it’s important.

Last Christmas I didn’t eat (maybe it was the cavse of

depression), so I experienced the worst break down in my life.

And then I started eating properly and depression

disappeared.

But never come to the point that you eat very little,

too little, than – nothing.

Doing like that I couldn’t swallow anything, I simply

wasn’t able to take any food into my mouth. I just felt

disgusted. Horrid…

So – I take some apples or a carrot while I’m crying –

and crying disappears.

I know I have to do something that I like doing while I’m

sad – but it doesn’t work somethimes. Not always.

I don’t have: the joy of life, the coufidence

about my future, the sense of existence, the self-

confidence.

I will give anything to gain love, friendship,

self-esteem and a little bit of happiness.

Ehh…

I have cried a bit, now... I’m cheerful!

Strange: I have to discuss a difficult matter

with my mum. I also have my own affairs

which are not easy. But it’s OK.

I always have some problems or

deppresion.

But I try to think positively.

I stopped taking medicine to cure deppresion

3 months ago. I hope everything wrong has gone

away.

Is it the beginnig of the end of the horror which

lasted 3 years?!

I regret those years taken out of my life.

Wasted time. How to compensate it? Impossible.

But life goes on and I’m controlling it now.

I don’t have a felling that everything which is

connected with me is going on next to me.

Maybe I will sort out my life.

If something ever breaks me down I will buy a pillow…

M…